


Doing it the legal way

by Blxakenus



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Prompt Fic, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29961243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blxakenus/pseuds/Blxakenus
Summary: James Bond rents a car
Comments: 9
Kudos: 10





	Doing it the legal way

_Rome_

James Bond desperately needs a car.   
Without it, his chances of surviving are quite small. Don’t get him wrong, James Bond likes to have a little adrenalin kick every now and then, but not when it means he is about to die. 

But the problem is while there are many cars parked on the street, none of them meet his high expectations. Because when you see James Bond, 007, in a Ford, you know it is going to escalate quickly.   
There was only one way to get a car – one that he despised.  
He has to do it the legal way, which means he has to rent a car. Some might not know 007 all too well and therefore don’t see a problem with acquiring a car through legal means, supporting the local economy by doing so.  
You see, James Bond has a penchant for wrecking cars.   
But maybe, just maybe, Q had been nice and erased his past of destroying cars. 

A man can only hope.  
But not bloody (literally) James Bond. If he were only hoping, he would have been dead long ago.   
He always survives and even thought dead he always manages to come back.   
He is going to get a car and if not, he will just have to fight assassins who are already hot on his heels while being injured. 

But first he tries the safe way with higher chances of survival and less bloodshed.   
So, James Bond walks straight towards a small Italian “rent a car” shop. 

There he is greeted by a man tapping furiously on the keyboard, probably messaging one of his friends instead of working diligently.   
He walks towards the desk and says: „ I need a car. The best one you got. Money is no issue.”  
„I will be right with you”, the employee immediately responds while not stopping what he’s doing.   
James Bond looks over his shoulder to see how close the assassins, who were chasing him, were. 

The employee doesn’t notice how impatient James Bond is or simply chooses to ignore it.   
Then he dials someone on his phone and asks “Bruno, did you sponge out the inside of that chevy malibu? I think a toddler threw up in it. “

Meanwhile, the agent becomes more and more stressed and restless with each minute wasted on waiting until he has lost all his patience and interrupts the employee: “Look, I need a car really quickly. I’m being chased by a number of assassins and my time is running out. “

The unimpressed employee mocks him, not taking him seriously: “We all have things to do” and continues drinking his expresso while tapping on the keyboard.   
After finishing whatever task he had worked on, he turns around to face 007.   
“Thank you for being so patient” he greets him with a monotone voice, clearly practised, “Welcome to rent a car shop, we don’t just rent cars – we rent care.   
Name? This is just standard procedure.” 

“Bond. James Bond.” 007 answers resigned.   
The employee enters his name letter by letter while mouthing each silently. With a quick motion he presses the enter and states:” I don’t have that. Could it be under another name?”

James Bond responds patiently “Try Q”   
The employee, Antonio, presses the enter key and says “Is there any more to that name?” while turning back to Bond.   
“Maybe like a last name?”, he inquires. 

Losing his composure Bond grabs the employee by his vest and grits: “Give. Me. A. Car. “   
But Antonio remains calm and points out: “Sir, sir I understand that you are in a hurry. I understand but we have to pay for our own vests, if you don’t mind.”

Bond lets him go and the employee straightens his clothes and turns to the agent again: „ What did you say your name was again?“   
James answers annoyed:  
„Bond “ 

„Oh, I thought you said Bound! Sure, I’m sorry. Yes, yes here we have it. Just let me check your rental history. Oh my.”, apologizes Antonio and pushes up his glasses. 

“It says here that you crashed your car through a building.”, the employee notes while pointing at the screen. 

“That was unavoidable”, James responds seriously. 

“You drove it underwater”, Antonio conters.   
James Bond, taken aback, tries to search for an excuse. Not finding one he just states: ”Quite wet” 

“You drove it into a Russian army while they were firing…”

“Yeah, but I did bring it back with a full tank of gas” he interrupts him by pointing out this major information. 

“Well, that’s all that matters. Let’s see…”, Antonio agrees.

“We have a Ford “ 

“No, absolutely not “   
One thing’s for sure: you will never see James Bond, 007, in a bloody Ford. It’s not a bad car per se. but it is just something James Bond will never be seen driving. He has his reasons. Reasons he is not ready to tell. 

“I do have a Chevy Malibu”, The employee suggests.  
“How are you with toddler vomit?”

“Fine, everything better than a bloody Ford”, The agent replies resigned. 

“Do you want the additional insurance?” asks Antonio.   
“Yeah, I better have it. Because I’m going to drive it into a Volcano”, Bond answers calmly.   
“Let me just quickly print out your contract” says Antonio clearly not impressed. 

“And here we go, if you just sign here” Antonio gives Bond the paper. “Here, and here” while pointing at each blank line where a signature is needed. 

“And sign here, with your last name and initial of your first name.  
Thank you very much. I’ll give you a copy”   
Antonio takes his time putting the useless sheets of paper away while muttering:  
“I don’t know why they still use this, I don’t know” 

“Here are the keys and thank you for visiting our shop! If you would like you can give us a review about our service, it will only take you about 10 minutes, or you can just tick this box with the 5 stars underneath it and sign here and then you are free to go. The car will be waiting outside for you” 

James Bond rips the pen out of Antonio's hand, signing the paper and then storms out of the shop, the key in his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this interview: https://youtu.be/sV7d-hO0s60


End file.
